I’d lost my creative mojo and just couldn’t seem to pull myself together to create any exceptional ad designs. So I decided to seek inspiration in the signage that surrounded me with a adspiration spirit quest to the billboard of my youth. A friend knew there may be some major breakthroughs so he grabbed his video camera. Here’s what unfolded:
Sometimes the nice guy wins. Sometimes the one-armed man gets the girl. Sometimes the self-obsessed egotistical narcissistic asseyed photographer gets abandoned. Have a look at this film shot on Super 8 by my friend to see the drama unfold.
Please enjoy my free guided meditation mantra. I hope it will too take you to new heights of transcendental contentedness.
Play Audio
Hello fellow advertising whores,
I appreciate all the guidance you have given me on developing my brand identity. I now have something of great importance in my personal life that I graciously ask your assistance on. I’m confident that if you can help me get this right, that my personal life will be more resolved which will carry over to a clearer direction for my professional life and brand identity.
Situation:
My dear friend is getting married and I’m compelled to send him a letter of marital wisdom along with the crocheted wedding gift.
Request:
Critique the latest rough draft (v7) and provide feedback and let me know of anything I may have left out.
Marital Bliss Guide: Rough Draft Version 7
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dukes,
As a veteran of an engagement that lasted seven weeks before failing, I am equipped with infallible knowledge on the subject of marriage. My failure has taught me profound lessons that weigh heavy on my heart for couples yearning in the grip of love. Jeb, as a friend, sharing my knowledge with you is my moral obligation. Lilli, any friend of Jeb is a friend of Manilow.
Lilli my advice to you is plentiful. As a male, I’m quite capable of knowing what a man wants and it so happens that universally men all want the same thing(s). Men are simple creatures. Because of a fluke in male evolution, men have not advanced above the basic animal needs of food and sex and in Jeb’s alpha case; bloodlust (as fulfilled through the catching/hunting and killing of innocent non-predators). Lilli, I highly recommend you give Jeb plenty of opportunity to fulfill these lusts. If you can provide him with plenty of food, sex, and kill opportunity you will have a happy man. By Jeb’s basic needs being met, you will reap the benefits of Jeb’s improved concentration, improved partial hearing, and reciprocity. Reciprocity may yield results such as, but not limited to, Jeb buying you more shiny stuff, mowing the entire yard, and well, I can’t think of other examples, but I’m confident Jeb could come up with something.
Lilli you must always remember that to keep your spouse happy it is pertinent that you make him feel important, respected, and validated. Men need positive affirmation from their spouse. Therefore, it’s a good idea to frequently tell Jeb he’s a genius, then cite biographical examples of his brilliance to support your case. Extra brownie points when doing this in front of friends at dinner parties. Lilli, you must also always remember that one of men’s biggest fears are the rumors of decreased sexual activity upon entrance into holy matrimony. (Clarification-that is decreased sexual activity, except during planned attempts at procreation or during pregnancy which leave men feeling used). Many a good man never enter this holy place for fear of the rumors coming true. Lilli I met you once; I could see the spark in your eye. A spark that was once a fire for a dream. A dream of changing the world. But somewhere that dream died, but dear Lilli I beseech you, it’s time to reignite that flame. To realize you can still change the world. It may not be the cause you envisioned as an idealistic teen, but it’s a cause you can get behind. Destroy the “no sex when married (except 4-5 days before ovulation) myth” once and for all by banging your husband more frequently than ever before! Jeb will then likely get drunk one night with his buddies, and one of the single dudes will make fun of him for being married at which point Jeb will brag about how much post-marital sex he is having (with his wife)! Transformed, the single dude will now consider proposing to his friendgirl and began spreading the word that marriage and sex are synonymous and by the six degrees of separation the word will soon spread round the world. Once limp marriages will be turned on. One by one, single dudes will began conquering their fear of marriage because of this newly established paradigm and began fearlessly entering the gates of holy matrimony. Holy fuck.
And Jeb, I have some advice for you. It is limited. As a male, I have a difficult time instinctively knowing what a woman wants. As you may know, in fact, no one is sure what women want including women. It remains one of the great mysteries of modern science, but I believe in our lifetime some invaluable discoveries will be made that may even lead to a cure. In the meantime, I will do all I can to fund experiments and test research subjects in attempt to make my contribution to science. Jeb, what we do know is that women are smarter, more complicated, and more highly evolved animals than men and are capable of controlling us through their attributes- like cleavage. We do know that woman are sensitive cyclic creatures and that heterosexual men are usually out of tune to their patterns. It’s time to get in touch, Jeb. Start by memorizing her menstrual cycle. Figure out the pattern and plot it in a calendar for the year. Find out how many women work in her office and take note if their cycles align and change her PMS dates. Plan your vacations accordingly. Remember to exert more patience and make less requests during these periods.
Hmmm. What else do I know about women? I know it is always safe to tell your wife her hair looks great even if it looks the same to you. I know it is safe to always use synonyms of skinny to describe your wife. Example: “I love your pants. Those thingz are tight, girl.” This is better than: “I love your pants. Those thingz are phat girl.” Good synonyms to consider: thin, slender, bony, malnourished, tiny, petite, little, iddy biddy, emaciated, skeletal, and gaunt.
My carpal tunnel is kicking in so I will stop typing now.
Intellectually Yours,
Phil
Phil Manilow Makes Honor Roll in worldwide competition.
The Red Brick Solution was honored for its awesomeness by Ogilvy One Worldwide (one of the largest ad agencies in the world) in its “Search For the World’s Greatest Salesperson Competition”. A panel of judges selected it a a potential finalist in the international competition and it secured a place in the honor roll list. See more on this at OgilvyOne’s YouTube Channel honor roll playlist: http://www.youtube.com/ogilvy#p/c/27FD15BA0BD56AE1
Dear Mandiary,
I hope that the creative community of the world wide web will consider my profound personal experience documented below and theorize what it all means in the grand scheme of my brand identity for my life.
Hula Hoop Sex Therapy:
There was a phase when I was so out of practice I feared I had forgotten how to move during sex. The hip pelvis motion was always a little awkward for me. I was air humping one day in front of the bathroom mirror to see if I could detect some rhythm. I could see I desperately needed some practice getting my hips back into the groove when the idea of purchasing a hula hoop popped into my head. It seemed like a cost-effective solution. Finding a store to purchase a hula hoop turned out more difficult than expected and took several stores, phone calls, and bathroom breaks. Once home with my purchase, I was concerned what my neighbors would think about seeing a grown man playing alone in the yard with a hula hoop. I had recently purchased a new home and was skeptical of my neighbor. I noticed the old man there was always studying my activity from his kitchen sink window. I decided I should practice my hoop indoors. I was somewhat torn over the purchase of my new home feeling that as a single man the two story home seemed somewhat excessive. Now with my hula hoop, the purchase seemed more justified as I now had a private place to practice in the unfurnished bonus room. With the mini blinds down and music loud, I began to practice my moves. I was thrilled that the width of this great bonus room freed me to take a few steps in either direction and still avoid hula crash with the slanted walls that always felt as though they were caving in on me. I will admit the slanted walls did create a certain weight about the room that added to the sexual tension of the situation. I had made note on the sexual nature of the hula hoop while observing practitioners at a music festival during college. Years ago at that festival, I recognized a hula hooping girl I had recently made out with at a keg party. I was happy that she recognized me and that she was excited to see me. She even momentarily speed her hula thrust and then smoothly flung her hoop back and temporarily give me access into her spin zone for a quick hug. Without missing a beat, suddenly her hula went down between us and she begin to spin and its radius pushed me back. I found that trying to talk with this ring of a barrier was a real nuisance. I was able to yell above the live music for a while and maintain her eye contact and attention. Then she seemed to no longer really respond to my presence and instead she just bobbed her head and pulsated her pelvis. She was so into her hula that I might as well not have been there. I began to get very jealous of the hoop between us. It was like a gate that divided her into her own little world complete with tiny planets rotating around her radiating body. She seemed orgasmic within her hoop. I Iooked out across the field at the patchwork of hippies and their twirling hoops and orgasmic expressions; each of them in their own little worlds, constellations flinging about them in a perfect circle. The girls ignoring all the guys who noodle danced right outside their circumference, the girls basking in the spectacle of desire they were creating. The voice in my head screamed, “I thought this concert was supposed to be about unity! These damned hula hoops are doing nothing but creating division!” I began to despise all those I saw with hula hoops. There were even a few pathetic men doing the hula. Brainwashed men in their terrible patchwork pants. I wanted to kill them. I thought of starting my own music festival. The posters would read: No Dogs/No Kids/No Hula Hoops/No Patchwork Pants you Fucking Idiot.
This experience had a lasting impact on me and it was years before the site of a hula hoop ceased to send me boiling. It wasn’t until now in desperation 12 years later, I, sexually despondent and disheartened, had hula-therapy come to mind. In fact, when spending the better part of a Saturday shopping for a hula I remembered nothing of my past judgment of the plastic circle. It wasn’t until there in the bonus room that I actually flashed back to my last memory of hula exposure. I had suppressed my remembrance for so many years. Now here in the bonus room I was open minded to facing my past. To embracing change. To conquering my fears. To forgiving my judgement. I began with the hula simply: on my arm and in slow circles. Once I built up some confidence I switched to my waist. For the first 5 or so minutes I bobbled and it clumsily swirled like a flushing toilet until it hit the ground. And then it happened. It was almost spiritual. I realized the power of the hula. I realized all my judgments against the dirty hippies and how their hula was dividing the music festival that was coined as a weekend of unity was judgment in vain. I understood that the dirty hippies were actually experiencing unity within themselves and the planet-thus connecting with each other inner-dimensionally. It was a euphoric sensibility; at one with the air and the sound and everything within and without me, simultaneously. Through this sacred rite I was essentially fucking the air that I breathed. What could be more harmonious? I now empathized with the girl who ignored me in favor of the hula. I understood how it indeed could be more fulfilling than even me. I felt a sense of relief with my newfound waist companion. I may not need to get a girlfriend after all. I twirled harder still. I felt the sweat beads launch of my nose. The plush carpet against my bare feet felt like a fluffy cumulus cloud and the slanted walls seemed to open up to the heavens. Everything was white and the bonus room went on forever. I looked to the sky light window and felt a warm ray of Sun beaming down into my Soul! I thrust harder and harder! I raised my hands to the heavens and shouted with joy!
What could be more harmonious?
-Phil Manilow
The Red Brick Solution: Phase II
Once we construct the red brick retaining wall to protect our coasts we will have solved one of our major domestic problems. But there are other problems that left unsolved will surely result in disaster.
See terrorists remain a threat and our borders remain insecure. The fence constructed along the US/Mexican border is not stopping alien penetration. Now Arizona has passed immigration legislation that will surely lead to racial profiling. We must bring the debate back to the problem: THE BORDER. We must contain these aliens from crossing the border, and the current fence is simply not strong enough. The most viable solution for a secure border fence is infallibly without a question: A MASSIVE RED BRICK RETAINING WALL. It’s hard to climb. It’s built to last. Plus a red brick fence just looks classy and increases property values.
Now it’s not fair to say that it’s just the Mexican Latin Americans that are crossing the US/Mexican border illegally. It’s out of control. It’s birds, Cubans, South Americans, Central Americans, and all other types of Americans trying to cross into our America. WE MUST CONSTRUCT A MASSIVE RETAINING WALL.
And we still have plenty of unused red clay fields across this country for additional red brick manufacturing. These fields are in regions with the highest unemployment where not only can we create thousands of red brick jobs, but can keep workers healthy because of their access to red clay. See red clay has a negative ion and if ingested it pulls out positive toxic ions. It contains calcium bentonite which has a PH of 9.6 and when ingested it can bring your PH to a perfect 7. So what better way for brick workers to stay healthy than to eat raw red clay on the job? Healthy, productive, profitable, non-alien workers equals a healthy America.
The Red Brick Solution: Phase III
When we accomplish Phase I and II of The Red Brick Solution we will still have one continental border at risk: Canada. While terrorists and Mexicans seem less interested in penetrating this border, we are seeing lots of Canadians trying to cross it- except back into Canada. If this Canadian-American mass exodus continues it could greatly alter our political landscape. We can’t afford to lose any more white people. The most viable solution to contain these expatriates is to CONSTRUCT A MASSIVE RETAINING WALL ALONG THE US/CANADIAN BORDER.
Plus think how cool a massive red brick retaining wall surrounding our
America would look from outer space. NASA could take some amazing satellite photos and sell a bunch of posters and fund Obama’s mission to Mars.
And Mars is a red planet with infinite red brick potential. It is the penultimate frontier for red brick manufacturing. The ultimate frontier is beyond space. It’s heavenly. Researchers round world have been studying the Tower of Babel and why its construction never reached the heavens. The conclusion is that the building materials used at that time were simply not strong enough and that the only viable solution for future Towers of Babel is to use the strongest bricks available made from the strongest clay in existence: RED CLAY.
WE MUST CONSTRUCT A MASSIVE RED BRICK TOWER TO HEAVEN. If we aim our Tower of Babel to intersect with the path of Mars we could continue tower construction by utilizing the red matter on the surface of Mars to make new and improved red space bricks.
We get our borders secured and a successful Tower of Babel constructed and I’m convinced we would reach Utopia here in our America. AND THIS IS THE FINAL FRONTIER OF THE RED BRICK SOLUTION.
Don’t forget the official chant of The Red Brick Movement. Sing it at a rally near you:
“Red is the first color in the red, white, and blue. Red is the color of the blood we shed. Red is the color of the power of the people, encapsulated, emancipated, baked and bricked, proclaiming liberty and justice for all–most everyone!”
“Red is the color of the blood we shed! So red for jobs! Red for bricks! Red for America! Make us red, make us fed, and not the Fedd..Errr..Rrral Government!”
iUnder Construction has once again participated in thought-provoking work for the American Advertising Federation of Greenville. This time we were privileged to play a small role on a project-based team made up of creative companies, writers, and actors that produced 4 spoof videos shown at the Greenville ADDY Awards. The fourth spoofs’ script was written by our very own Phil Manilow.
Assembled below are some of Phil’s most beloved tweets. His all-original quips are now conveniently arranged here in one place for your viewing pleasure. See what Phil has to say without having to join the Twitter revolution.
• There’s something fulfilling about a buffet.
• I got ahead of myself and now I’m beside myself trying to find myself in a fallen world.
• Made it to second base then she said I ruined the mood when I felt her up with hand sanitizer. Lesson learned.
• I’m your best nightmare.
• Funny how making up your bed in the morning can make you feel like you’ve got your life together.
• One of my ultimate fantasies for my life is to eventually be a talking point on a horse-drawn carriage tour.
• I’m craving primordial soup and crackers.
• The first bad decision I made was at birth.
• My grandmother grew up a left-handed diabetic in the roaring 20’s.
• I’m falling in love and I can’t get up.
• I get the feeling your touted ‘less is more’ approach is really just a way for you to justify your laziness. There’s nothing Zen about you.
• If I were toilet paper where would I be hiding?
• Making grass angels in the sun. So much warmer than snow angels.
• Normal people are weird.
• The key to life is a skeleton key.
• My opinions are objective.
• People are not as stupid as they look. But close.
• Me, Myself, and I make a great team.
Phil’s superior versions of famous quotes:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me as bad when I beat your ass into a comma.
One door closes and another one opens and stubs your toe.
Count your blessings one by one. Count your misfortunes by ten, otherwise it would take too long.
Female Relations Equation:
Predicted Complication x 13= X
X ÷ 2 = Y
Y= π is ≤ Y
