Marital Bliss Guide: Rough Draft Version 7 129
Hello fellow advertising whores,
I appreciate all the guidance you have given me on developing my brand identity. I now have something of great importance in my personal life that I graciously ask your assistance on. I’m confident that if you can help me get this right, that my personal life will be more resolved which will carry over to a clearer direction for my professional life and brand identity.
Situation:
My dear friend is getting married and I’m compelled to send him a letter of marital wisdom along with the crocheted wedding gift.
Request:
Critique the latest rough draft (v7) and provide feedback and let me know of anything I may have left out.
Marital Bliss Guide: Rough Draft Version 7
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dukes,
As a veteran of an engagement that lasted seven weeks before failing, I am equipped with infallible knowledge on the subject of marriage. My failure has taught me profound lessons that weigh heavy on my heart for couples yearning in the grip of love. Jeb, as a friend, sharing my knowledge with you is my moral obligation. Lilli, any friend of Jeb is a friend of Manilow.
Lilli my advice to you is plentiful. As a male, I’m quite capable of knowing what a man wants and it so happens that universally men all want the same thing(s). Men are simple creatures. Because of a fluke in male evolution, men have not advanced above the basic animal needs of food and sex and in Jeb’s alpha case; bloodlust (as fulfilled through the catching/hunting and killing of innocent non-predators). Lilli, I highly recommend you give Jeb plenty of opportunity to fulfill these lusts. If you can provide him with plenty of food, sex, and kill opportunity you will have a happy man. By Jeb’s basic needs being met, you will reap the benefits of Jeb’s improved concentration, improved partial hearing, and reciprocity. Reciprocity may yield results such as, but not limited to, Jeb buying you more shiny stuff, mowing the entire yard, and well, I can’t think of other examples, but I’m confident Jeb could come up with something.
Lilli you must always remember that to keep your spouse happy it is pertinent that you make him feel important, respected, and validated. Men need positive affirmation from their spouse. Therefore, it’s a good idea to frequently tell Jeb he’s a genius, then cite biographical examples of his brilliance to support your case. Extra brownie points when doing this in front of friends at dinner parties. Lilli, you must also always remember that one of men’s biggest fears are the rumors of decreased sexual activity upon entrance into holy matrimony. (Clarification-that is decreased sexual activity, except during planned attempts at procreation or during pregnancy which leave men feeling used). Many a good man never enter this holy place for fear of the rumors coming true. Lilli I met you once; I could see the spark in your eye. A spark that was once a fire for a dream. A dream of changing the world. But somewhere that dream died, but dear Lilli I beseech you, it’s time to reignite that flame. To realize you can still change the world. It may not be the cause you envisioned as an idealistic teen, but it’s a cause you can get behind. Destroy the “no sex when married (except 4-5 days before ovulation) myth” once and for all by banging your husband more frequently than ever before! Jeb will then likely get drunk one night with his buddies, and one of the single dudes will make fun of him for being married at which point Jeb will brag about how much post-marital sex he is having (with his wife)! Transformed, the single dude will now consider proposing to his friendgirl and began spreading the word that marriage and sex are synonymous and by the six degrees of separation the word will soon spread round the world. Once limp marriages will be turned on. One by one, single dudes will began conquering their fear of marriage because of this newly established paradigm and began fearlessly entering the gates of holy matrimony. Holy fuck.
And Jeb, I have some advice for you. It is limited. As a male, I have a difficult time instinctively knowing what a woman wants. As you may know, in fact, no one is sure what women want including women. It remains one of the great mysteries of modern science, but I believe in our lifetime some invaluable discoveries will be made that may even lead to a cure. In the meantime, I will do all I can to fund experiments and test research subjects in attempt to make my contribution to science. Jeb, what we do know is that women are smarter, more complicated, and more highly evolved animals than men and are capable of controlling us through their attributes- like cleavage. We do know that woman are sensitive cyclic creatures and that heterosexual men are usually out of tune to their patterns. It’s time to get in touch, Jeb. Start by memorizing her menstrual cycle. Figure out the pattern and plot it in a calendar for the year. Find out how many women work in her office and take note if their cycles align and change her PMS dates. Plan your vacations accordingly. Remember to exert more patience and make less requests during these periods.
Hmmm. What else do I know about women? I know it is always safe to tell your wife her hair looks great even if it looks the same to you. I know it is safe to always use synonyms of skinny to describe your wife. Example: “I love your pants. Those thingz are tight, girl.” This is better than: “I love your pants. Those thingz are phat girl.” Good synonyms to consider: thin, slender, bony, malnourished, tiny, petite, little, iddy biddy, emaciated, skeletal, and gaunt.
My carpal tunnel is kicking in so I will stop typing now.
Intellectually Yours,
Phil
i totally agree
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