• There’s something fulfilling about a buffet.


• I got ahead of myself and now I’m beside myself trying to find myself in a fallen world.

• Made it to second base then she said I ruined the mood when I felt her up with hand sanitizer. Lesson learned.

• I’m your best nightmare. 


• Funny how making up your bed in the morning can make you feel like you’ve got your life together.



• One of my ultimate fantasies for my life is to eventually be a talking point on a horse-drawn carriage tour.



• I’m craving primordial soup and crackers.



• The first bad decision I made was at birth.


• My grandmother grew up a left-handed diabetic in the roaring 20′s.



• I’m falling in love and I can’t get up.

• I get the feeling your touted ‘less is more’ approach is really just a way for you to justify your laziness. There’s nothing Zen about you.



• If I were toilet paper where would I be hiding?

• Making grass angels in the sun. So much warmer than snow angels.

• Normal people are weird.

• The key to life is a skeleton key.

• My opinions are objective.

• People are not as stupid as they look. But close.

• Me, Myself, and I make a great team.

Phil’s superior versions of famous quotes:  

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me as bad when I beat your ass into a comma.

One door closes and another one opens and stubs your toe.

Count your blessings one by one. Count your misfortunes by ten, otherwise it would take too long.

Female Relations Equation: 
Predicted Complication x 13= X
X ÷ 2 = Y
Y= π is ≤ Y